The Greatest Risk Against Women Isn’t the Stranger We Warn Them About
By Rob Andress
We have raised generations of girls to be polite.
To be friendly.
Not to offend someone.
Not to embarrass someone.
To give people the benefit of the doubt, even when something doesn’t feel right.
This concerns me deeply, it’s this very conditioning that can prevent a woman from making an immediate decision surrounding her own safety.
At the same time, we have raised both girls and boys to fear the stranger.
The man hiding behind the bushes.
The stranger walking behind them.
The suspicious man waiting in the parking lot.
We have made the stranger the face of violence against women.
When in reality, the greatest risk against a woman will often come from someone she already knows.
A boyfriend.
A husband.
A family member.
A friend.
A coworker.
A date.
Sometimes, it will come from the very person who is supposed to love her, care for her and protect her.
According to Statistics Canada, 74 percent of victims of police-reported sexual assault in 2022 knew the person accused. Women and girls represented 90 percent of those victims. In 2023, women and girls also represented 78 percent of victims of police-reported intimate partner violence.
Those numbers change the entire conversation surrounding women’s safety, and self defense training.
We have spent years teaching women how to watch for strangers. Yet we have done very little to prepare them for concerning behaviour coming from someone they know.
Someone they trust.
Someone they don’t want to offend.
Someone they may even love.
Familiarity Does Not Make Concerning Behaviour Safe
When a stranger does something concerning, we recognize it quickly.
When someone we know does the same thing, we often try to explain it away.
If a stranger blocks a woman from leaving, we recognize the danger.
When a boyfriend does it, we say he was upset.
If a stranger demands to know where she has been, we call it controlling.
When a partner does it, we may call it jealousy.
If a stranger refuses to accept the word “no,” we recognize the threat.
When it is someone she knows, she may convince herself that he misunderstood.
The behaviour has not changed.
The relationship has changed how the behaviour is being interpreted.
Familiarity can create a false sense of safety. Trust can cause a woman to provide access, overlook warning signs and remain in a situation far longer than she would with a complete stranger.
This is not because women are weak.
It is because we have taught them to question their own concerns before questioning the behaviour of someone they know.
Dangerous behaviour does not become safe simply because it comes from someone familiar.
Politeness Does Not Cause Violence
I want to be very clear about something.
A woman being polite does not cause violence.
Her kindness does not create an aggressor.
Her trust does not make someone abusive.
The responsibility for violence belongs entirely to the person who chooses to use it.
What this conditioning can do, however, is interfere with a woman’s ability to make an early decision surrounding her own safety.
It can cause her to wait for more information.
To look for proof.
To give another chance.
To remain in a situation while trying to understand behaviour that is already causing her concern.
After violence occurs, people often ask the woman questions.
Why didn’t she leave?
Why did she trust him?
Why did she go back?
Why didn’t she recognize what was happening?
Perhaps we need to start asking different questions.
Why did he believe he was entitled to control her?
Why did he refuse to accept her boundaries?
Why did he believe that a relationship gave him ownership over her decisions?
Women do not need another lecture about everything they should have done differently.
They need permission to recognize concerning behaviour, respond to it and leave without feeling responsible for the other person’s feelings.
The First Concern Is Rarely the Violence
Violence does not always begin with a punch.
It may begin with a small boundary being ignored.
A comment she asked him not to make.
A hand she removed.
A question she chose not to answer.
A demand to see her phone.
An attempt to isolate her from friends or family.
A “no” that he treated as the beginning of a negotiation.
The important information is not always found in what someone asks for. It is often found in how that person responds when they don’t get what they want.
A respectful person may feel disappointed by a boundary, but they will respect it.
A controlling person will question it, challenge it, punish it or attempt to make the woman feel guilty for having one.
How someone responds to a small “no” can tell you more about them than everything they said while you were saying “yes.”
Where Women’s Safety, and Self Defense Training Must Change
Our approach to women’s safety does not begin with kicking, punching or waiting for someone to attack.
It begins with a decision.
Too many self-defence programs begin after physical contact has already occurred.
The woman has already been grabbed.
She has already been cornered.
She has already been struck.
She is now being asked to solve the most difficult and dangerous version of the problem.
At Street Safe, we begin much earlier.
We teach women to understand human behaviour.
To recognize boundary testing.
To recognize controlling behaviour, manipulation and the gradual removal of choice.
We discuss why familiarity can cause warning signs to be overlooked and why emotional relationships can make safety decisions more difficult.
Most importantly, we give women permission to respond to uncertainty.
A woman does not need absolute proof that someone intends to harm her before creating distance, ending a conversation or leaving.
Recognizing concerning behaviour does not mean she is accusing someone of being violent. It means she is making a decision based on the information available to her at that moment.
If avoidance, communication and de-escalation are no longer possible, women must also have practical personal-protection skills that recognize the reality of violence, physical differences and how the human body responds under extreme stress.
Not complicated techniques.
Not choreography.
Not something that only works when the other person cooperates.
Simple principles that can be recalled and applied when fear, confusion and adrenaline have taken over.
Our goal is not to make women afraid of every man they meet.
Our goal is to ensure they never feel obligated to remain near someone who is causing them concern.
Women’s safety does not begin when the violence starts.
It begins when a woman recognizes that something has changed and gives herself permission to act.
A woman should never have to be assaulted before she feels justified in protecting herself.
The Conversation Must Change
We do not need to raise girls to be afraid of the world.
We need to raise them to recognize concerning behaviour, trust what they are feeling and make decisions surrounding their own safety without guilt, apology or fear of offending someone.
We must also raise boys to understand that kindness is not consent, attention is not an entitlement and the word “no” is not the beginning of a negotiation.
Women’s safety will never be solved by teaching them only to fear the stranger, because the greatest risk may come from someone they know, trust or love.
Familiarity does not make concerning behaviour safe, and no relationship should ever require a woman to surrender her boundaries, her choices or her right to protect herself.
If instructors are motivated by ego instead of fact, they need to sit with a woman who has been attacked by her husband, a friend of her husband or a male acquaintance of her own. Sit with her. Listen to the devastation, the fracture of trust, the hurt, the pain and the helplessness she experienced. That conversation will change you. It should change you, and it should change the information you bring to the table. It is time for the self-defence industry and martial arts training to become grounded in reality, not fiction or ego.
If you or someone you know is experiencing gender-based violence, confidential support and resources are available across Canada. Find help in your province or territory.
Rob Andress
Violence Prevention Consultant, SAS-AP
Close Quarter Combative Instructor
Pure & Applied Debilitation Instructor
Active Threat Survival Trainer (A.L.I.V.E.)
Street Safe Self Defence Training Company
FAQ Section
Why isn’t stranger-danger education enough?
Because many sexual assaults and incidents of intimate partner violence involve someone the woman already knows, including a partner, relative, friend, coworker or acquaintance.
Does politeness cause violence against women?
No. Responsibility belongs entirely to the person choosing violence. However, conditioning women to avoid offending others can delay important safety decisions.
Why can familiar people be more difficult to recognize as a threat?
Trust and emotional connection can change how concerning behaviour is interpreted. Behaviour that appears dangerous from a stranger may be excused when it comes from someone familiar.
What should women’s self-defence training include?
It should include behavioural awareness, boundary recognition, early decision-making, permission to leave uncertainty and practical physical protection skills that work under stress.
When does a woman have the right to leave?
Whenever someone’s behaviour causes concern. She does not need proof of violent intent or another person’s permission before creating distance or leaving.
Sources: Statistics Canada: Police-reported sexual assault in Canada and Statistics Canada: Family violence and intimate partner violence.